we prey as wolves among the sheep

theres a river that flows through your legs
it connects from your heart
and breathes new resolve
and she takes
every night
alone in her bed
she writes like she talks
she could build a tower made of stone
around herself
and feed upon those broken feelings she dreams to miss
and when you leave, you will be missed
and when you breathe, it will be bliss
but here I am beside you
drinking the absinthe and the cold cold cold ululation

if she didn't kiss me in the single glimpse of true happiness then it would be missed, her hair came and went, flying and falling with the passing wind. then you can rip out my entire spinal cord, they bear the weight of true regret. I don't hold any unique tongue, I burn no flame as bright as yours. As hers.
I was trying to piece together the perfect words in my mouth, they built on each other and played off themselves like a child in an open field. I couldn't see the sea from this far away but if it were clearer out then I would be able to, I could never decipher tides or find the crest of a wave, I couldn't ever find the crest of that wave. I could hear the songs that the locals played from the dunes I layed upon, it was overcast, it was always overcast this time of year. It was cold, probably even freezing. My eyes welted up with sand as I had attempted to sleep in the subtle serenity but I couldn't ever be able to fall asleep in the middle of the day even though I always wanted to. I imagined the fisherman and their fresh caught tuna that was caught a mile off shore, I pictured in my closed imagination the looks of accomplishment they shared with each other. I always get sand in my eyes and salts them to where they're red. I thought of everything that lead me here, everything that lead the suspended birds here, that lead the grain of sand into my eye. The chances would say it would never happen but it did. She left too, something I always said would never. I fed myself excuses as to why she left, it was the weather, the cold that crept into her heart and if only we lived to where it wasn't cold. It was her family and the children she couldn't bear. It was the driving of others, not mine. I thought to back when I just started and I always followed the rules, I always did in the beginning. I thought I always did. It was the mail man and how he never showed up that one day. It wasn't me. It couldn't of been.
The sound of others broke me from my pseudo trance. They were children with faces like angels. They were just passing but laughing and smiling. It reminded me of when I was young and how just passing by was fun enough, we didn't have to do anything. Everything reminded me of her, the fact that getting away from the city couldn't get me closer to you. It wasn't me. It couldn't of been.

my friend just called me the other day, we haven't talked for a couple years, too many to remember exactly. Every once in a while I need to get away. She called me and told me she was getting married, all I could think about was this one time when we were young and it was late. We were too young to know danger. We were on bikes and we were riding through the better part of nowhere. I didn't even know where we were, I still don't know where we were. We rode to the deep end of the world then back, with enough time for an hour of sleep. We never did this, it wasn't like us. We had school, we wouldn't do this again for another 10 years and separately. We drove to this stop light, it had to of been this stop light. We stood there as the light turned from green to yellow to red, then back to green. I don't know what we were waiting for- some kind of miracle maybe. We heard whistling and maybe a car back fire, maybe even a gun going off. I can't remember. She was telling me the floral arrangements as the wheels of our bikes made imprints in my memory. We were at this light and we looked up, there was too much light pollution to see anything. But we saw everything.
I turned my head back and I could hear nothing and everything at the same exact time. The color of her dress was dark red like the month of February, with several shades of it to blend in, yellows to match the creme wood tables. Nothing black like the sky we looked up and saw. I couldn't even see the clouds as it begun to rain, ever so lightly. We could hear voices in the back of our heads, maybe someone was actually saying something. The way I'd talk to people at her wedding, hearing but not listening. I could see her green eyes bathed in the street lights of creme color that match her bride's maids attire. She wasn't wearing anything blue. I looked her in the eyes and I saw nothing, nothing like the night sky. When we drove home my father was standing at my front door. He wasn't mad, he wasn't scared. He looked into my eyes too as I walked up the concrete pathway with my bike in hand, its metal bent like the fingers he asked to see. I threw the bike on the grass like I found it, its curled disposition. It never really rode like I thought. I offered my hands and he grabbed them with his. The touch was cold yet warming, I never asked myself till now how long he waited for me. He gave back th hands and asked me to come inside. The clock read 5:32 am. I laid over to see the sky, I could see clouds now, many of them. Curled and fainted with the soft creme light of the street lights, the whole towns lights were looking at it. It never rained like it did that night.

    I'm exhausted. I don't even know why. I think I'm backsliding into old habits, even if I had my first feeling of optimism when it came to college. I just want to collapse on my bed, die, then come back to life in a few hours, I wonder if I would be refreshed. I'm so sick of this lament when it comes to religion, I'm done with this post high school attitude where I feel like I know everything and everyone who believes in an organized religion is ignorant. like who cares, everyone essentially believes the same thing; be a good person and you'll be rewarded. there is no conflict in this simple formula, so why are/were there so many wars over this? I don't know, and  I never will. maybe I'm just sleep deprived and drunk on caffeine.